I (Ross) hereby declare the existence of the Glit ska band, Gayer than Caleb. Gayer than Caleb will soon be entering the studio to record their first full-length album, “The Ambiguity of Everything.”
I will be the frontman/vocalist. I will be given this position because I founded the band and cannot play any instruments, and most reviewers, after hearing my voice, will hypothesize that this was the case.
Wilson will be our lead guitarist. Because he has a physically imposing stature but a soft heart, he will be a favorite among fangirls. Many gifs of his smile will flood the Gayer than Caleb tag on tumblr.
JT will be our rhythm guitarist and backup vocalist. He will secretly resent my being the lead vocalist because he knows he is a better singer and also more punx than I am. When I leave the band to get married, he will step in as frontman without a second thought.
Heather will be our bass player who will resent nothing because she is secure in how much more punx she is than the rest of us. Our harshest critics will rightly conclude that “Gayer than Caleb is a truly awful band, but that bassist is seriously underrated, and her mohawk is killer.”
Caleb will be our hipster horn player who secretly writes the best of our lyrics. Fans will argue violently about whether or not he is the “Caleb” that we are “Gayer than.”
Christina will be our cool chick drummer who all of our fans are in love with. In the liner notes of The Ambiguity of Everything, she will write a scathingly misandrist disavowal of the creepiest of her male fans in Farsi. They will fail to recognize the importance of this, or of the romantic undertones of her message to sisterwife Allie in the Special Thanks section.
Christopher will be our dadlike tour bus driver who keeps us supplied with fresh pizza and cheerfully wise life advice. Few of our fans will appreciate how vital his role is.
Chris and Emy will be the fans that follow our tour longer than their gas budget should allow, know all of the lyrics, and start all the best mosh pits. Sandy will give them a ride to our next show when she finds their car broken down by the side of the road, and will be horrified by the spectacle at the venue.
Ian will produce the album. While sitting in on the recording session, he will stroke his beard and maintain a grave expression, and we will be unable to tell whether or not he likes our music (he doesn’t).
Zach will upload our songs to his tumblr, in violation of the terms of service. We will not press charges. Michael will reblog it, but it will be lost amid hundreds of out-of-focus images of well-dressed, pretty white girls.
Justin will sit in his ivory tower and laugh at how silly all of us kids with our ska music are.
Alvin and Joseph will collaborate on an academic critique of faulty theological assumptions in Gayer than Caleb’s lyrics. We will post a brief reply to their review on our official tumblr page: “up the punx, dumb old dudes”
Lee will write us a gracious letter pointing out potentially problematic aspects of our lyrics and aesthetic. We will issue a public apology for being, admittedly, really screwed up and privileged.
Tom and Catherine will be our Street Team, and will use their cheerful dispositions to distract people from the fact that our music kinda blows.
Amanda will write us hundreds of e-mails requesting that we put a bear on our next album cover, and will throw away all of our CDs when we never respond.
The tracklisting for Gayer than Caleb’s first album, The Ambiguity of Everything, is as follows:
1. Gay Things or Ayn Rand
2. My God, You Are Not Subversive
3. Envy Is a Deadly Sin (The Ballad of Alvin and Aubrey)
4. Baby Dino Becomes a Vessel of Destruction
5. Joel’s White People
6. Smash the Patriarchy (F**k the Cis-tem)
7. Prayers for Penises
8. The Heritic Speaks Another Herasy
9. I Ship Pipscoll
10. Affirming the Ambiguity of Absolutely Everything
11. Friends Don’t Let Friends Glittecclesia
12. Amanda Among the Bears
13. Farewell Rob Bell
14. A Performance in Honor of Judy Butler
15. Stop Reblogging Martel
16. Biblical Belief, Or, A Deconstruction of the Previous Fifteen “Tracks”
17. Atheism for Lent
18. Communism Will Win, See You in Hell
19. BUBlical Belief
20. Robbie Schools Us All (Without a Degree! Or Sources! Just the Spirit!)
21. Failures of Late Capitalism
22. Wrath of the Nuns
23. Hot Date with a Pyro Boyfriend
24. Everything Is Scubalon (He’s Scubalon, She’s Scubalon, Ze’s Scubalon, I’m Scubalon, You’re Scubalon, Your Mom’s Scubalon)
25. Song of the Exiled Pioneer, Or, Emy Has Beautiful Eyes
26. Timothy (As Cities Burn cover)
HIDDEN BONUS TRACK: Michael Reblogs Pale Girls
No track besides the Timothy cover will exceed 1:30 in length. The album will be universally panned by reviewers, and members of the TCC will successfully lobby for a “CAUTION: DAMNABLE HERESY” label on the front cover, which will increase our album sales exponentially.